The wrong part of me.

How i wish the gap between physical reality and whatever form of spiritual reality exists was closed up. How can i act excited about life when it is so limited, so bland of any pillars of fire and chariots from heaven. The world is so full of stories of humanity breaching the walls of its simple reality, even the bible speaks of things quite unfathomable to my mind. Where are the angels and demons? where are the nations under God? If any kind of power exists in this world i fear it is far to human to awe. The age old dreamer's dilemma i suppose. It burns me alive to have an imagination so capable of dreaming up such better worlds than this, yet having to return here every time. I believe in you God, i believe you have a plan that would blow my mind, but its been 2000 years since you left us to see you with our hearts and not our eyes. I cannot imagine a time in my life i didnt believe in you and Im starting to see the disadvantage that puts me in. A life of waiting. I dont doubt your existence but i wonder if my heart is starting to doubt my perception of you. Not that i can perceive you to begin with, but it feels like im way off. So far off that itll explain the hole in my chest for all these years. The hole that was supposed to be filled by your joy and love. It would explain why my whole life ive never ran to you, just a slow awkward walk. Who are you? You who made me, you who controls the stars and everything under them, you who wrote my purpose and is supposed to guide my life.... I feel like i dont know you, like your just some distant relative ive only heard stories of all my life. I want to leave behind everything and find you, whoever you are. I want to start over, i want to cut every string that ties me where i am, and burn every web im apart of. Yet it seems this world doesnt want me to move around too much. Every inch of our world is used up, and there is nowhere i know to go. This same dull world, the world i see on TV tearing itself apart, like the inside of me. Such a magnificent universe to live in such a cage. So, God, where does that leave me? im nothing compared to you, the thought of my own voice even being a whisper next to yours is a joke. So how does something thats nothing feel joy? The only times i sleep well is when i choose to blind myself from seeing too far. Concentrate on the things in front of me, and maybe i can trick myself into pretending im not still sitting on this pointless rock. Oh i know the "point" according to all the great preachers. I know how you told us to live. I know there is something more once death wanders in. But death is a friend i dont yet have. And all the points still leave me wondering why i still feel so empty.