Brand New

"Brand New" is a band. They've been my favorite band for a few years now. Rise Against will often compete for the top spot, but its pretty undisputed that Brand New is in fact the greatest musical entity of all time. Every time i go back and listen to their CD "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me" I am reminded of this.

The lyrics are above and beyond anything, even the great "Cosmic Love" i just wrote about. They are on such another level in their lyrics its ridiculous. Analyzing their lyrics are like studying some super complex holy book.

Brand New is the greatest band.
The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is the greatest CD.
Degausser is the greatest song.
ever.

This is no new revelation. Just something i had to mention.

Mass Effect 2

The new Mass Effect game is out. There is hope for video games.

Cosmic Love

My sister showed me this song, and its blown my mind, as things are increasingly seeming to lately. First listen, it just sounds like a love song. However, the more i listen to it, and the more i looked up florence and the machine (the name of the band) i am convinced this song is about a ton more (the title is pretty convincing as well). The words to this song describes the love i have for God so incredibly perfectly it put me speechless for a bit. Ive always struggled with the concept of loving God when he was so hard to see, both literally and figuratively.

Before i start assessing why, ill paste the lyrics:


A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

___

Ok, so where to start... Just thinking how to put this into words is proving difficult...

It says:

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

Its like getting just a small glimpse of God, one shooting star out of the infinite amount out there, but it blinds you. Its painful, not knowing what hits you, not knowing what you want to know about God, not being able to put God in a box. Yet i love it at the same time, this lack of perception. If i could look into the face of God and NOT go blind (and keep in mind this only talks about a fragment of his heart) would God be worth calling "God?" Im not talking about living in ignorance, the fact that we know were blind means were still trying to find him, trying to understand. And there is so much we CAN understand, and feel, experience, know... just comparatively to God, not so much.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

It feels like im trudging through this world in darkness. Like God is not here in this wasteland, im just walking in his shadow. Everything i thought i saw, i realize now that i dont see at all. "The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out..." It feels like God has left me in the dark, no dawn, no day, no hope. Always in this twilight, merely in the shadow of his heart. But I dont just give up because im blind, because i cant wrap my head around "God's love" all the time in this world. It only makes me crave it more once ive felt a small part of it.... which leads the song on...

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

I search, and try to find God, and i often feel him, or hear him. I try to follow that sound, find where hes hiding. Yet every time, hes never there. Theres always more questions, more sorrow, more pain around every corner i look. and i KNOW its him i feel, i KNOW he is there because every little glimpse fills me with what i can only describe as a peace beyond this natural world, like im floating, being embraced. Yet i get so discouraged when i let that slip away, when my life keeps pushing me along into the next set of movement and problems, and i become the darkness i wallow in... I become numb.

The next part really hits the nail on the head, but first i have to explain something...

As i mentioned before, God has been taking me on a sort of weird awakening period. Its strange because i felt like i was slacking off lately, then all the sudden im on this wild ride. Weirdly, it all started after i wrote the "wrong part of me" blog... I guess God was just waiting for me to actually ASK what i wanted to ask. So this being said, one of the biggest revelations ive had lately is my perception of God. Ive learned to... i dunno how to describe it really, but 'feel' him constantly. Before, when i would pray, i would have the image of a person in my head, and talk as if i was on some cosmic phone, even though theologically i knew it wasnt like that. But now when i think of God i think of everything around me, the air, the sound of the trees. God said "I Am," and im finally beginning to see what he was trying to say. Like i said, i cant really put this into words, the scope of this. Its huge, its like i feel him everywhere now, in my arms, my feet, my insides feel like theyve got water running through them. Things i couldnt grasp before im beginning to see. I still cant grasp everything, even more so now, its like sensory overload, my head feels like its about to pop when i dig deeper and deeper. All the sudden i see everything in the bible, my life, my ideas of God in a totally new light. Its amazing, and its even more amazing knowing i still havent even put my hand on the surface.

So... saying all that, the song. These last words just go right along with the train Gods had me on.

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

She takes the stars and makes a map, like taking what she does know, and making sense out of that. I know God is real, there is no doubt in my mind, i havent always known, but ive known for a while. My reasons can hardly be explained on a blog, otherwise i would just print it out save the world through my words. But words dont explain it. You have to experience him, and that is a road that is different for everyone. Point being, even in the dark world, with my blind eyes, i KNEW he was somewhere. Ive made many maps, trying to catch God and comprehend him. Trying to explain him in a neat little dialog, put him in that box. But the last 2 lines explain my new perception. I was looking for God, but God was already here. All around me. the words "you were in the darkness too" gives me chills. My favorite line in the whole song. This shitty world, this wasteland. I looked up to the stars pleading with God to show me something more... But i was so busy looking up i didnt realize he was right beside me. He was wading through the shit and the pain with me. Feeling every stab of the world with me, gasping for air in a suffocating world with me. He has been with me this whole time. He has never gotten tired of following me even in the worst places, he has never stopped loving me even when i didnt even notice he was standing in front of me begging me to turn around from what hurts me. And he is not "there" while i am "here." He IS. As the wind and the air envelops me he is embracing me through it. He IS existence. We are all creations of his consciousness, beings of his heart. He loves us more than our minds can handle. I grasp at straws, and crawl through pain to make it through this world, its hard, and im blind. The stars and the moon are blotted out, no dawn, no day. I am stuck here in this twilight. But God, I'll stay in the darkness with you.

spike jonze

peace

I heard someone mention that when they get stressed, they sit somewhere quiet and just block everything out. It gives them "peace."

I love escaping into other places in my head, if you know me even a little bit, you probably know this about me. But my peace isnt found in a quiet place with nothing in my head, mine is quite different.

i thought of the most peaceful scenario i could think up, somewhere peace would find me simply by being there. I envision myself in the middle of some kind of main street, with buildings on either side and street lamps all the way down reflecting off the wet ground. Its night, and theres a violent storm. The wind is throwing branches, leaves, anything it can grasp and tossing it around. The rain is hard and riding on the wind as well. There are no cars, no people. Only the sound of the whirling wind and the beating rain, and im standing right in the middle.

For me, peace is not the absence of surrounding, just the absence of people. Peace is a great storm, a powerful force that lets me know there is a bit of magic in this world, that lets me know how small i am. I am a fragile toy on an angry planet. That, at least, excites me.

Why? Why do i find peace in the earth tearing apart around me? Why do i long for a violent life? I wanna take everything i see and burn it down. I have my great differences with this world, but its not even that. Theres some kind of beauty in the storm, in its destruction. The way it moves, the way things separate. Theres more to it than i can put in words, something deep in its strength. One thing, at least, that we cannot control.

beautiful

Starting fresh

This is my blog. Ive had a few in my day, but this is the one. I used to have one in high school called "somewhere near nowhere" that i posted a ton on, since then Ive gone back and forth never quite seriously blogging since. I started blogging a bit on my blog attached to my gmail, "The Realness," but i wasnt sure if i actually wanted to announce it existed. We'll see what happens. Ive had it imported onto this new blog, and the blog i will be using: "What the Thunder Said."

whatthethunder.blogspot.com


sweet.

jackets

jackets are a wonderful thing. the worst part about the summer is not being able to wear good jackets. bring on the rain. Thats all i gotta say about that.

ive gotta start recording again.

In these hollow vessels we set sail
in dim lit pastures blazing trails
with empty eyes and heavy feet
all forms of shadows run to meet
our empty hands soon full of clay
our broken mast will soon decay
these seas that swallow everything
will dig our graves with songs we sing
so close the doors that guard our eyes
and let us blindly float on by
until the day that we will sink
and we'll regret
or so we think

The wrong part of me.

How i wish the gap between physical reality and whatever form of spiritual reality exists was closed up. How can i act excited about life when it is so limited, so bland of any pillars of fire and chariots from heaven. The world is so full of stories of humanity breaching the walls of its simple reality, even the bible speaks of things quite unfathomable to my mind. Where are the angels and demons? where are the nations under God? If any kind of power exists in this world i fear it is far to human to awe. The age old dreamer's dilemma i suppose. It burns me alive to have an imagination so capable of dreaming up such better worlds than this, yet having to return here every time. I believe in you God, i believe you have a plan that would blow my mind, but its been 2000 years since you left us to see you with our hearts and not our eyes. I cannot imagine a time in my life i didnt believe in you and Im starting to see the disadvantage that puts me in. A life of waiting. I dont doubt your existence but i wonder if my heart is starting to doubt my perception of you. Not that i can perceive you to begin with, but it feels like im way off. So far off that itll explain the hole in my chest for all these years. The hole that was supposed to be filled by your joy and love. It would explain why my whole life ive never ran to you, just a slow awkward walk. Who are you? You who made me, you who controls the stars and everything under them, you who wrote my purpose and is supposed to guide my life.... I feel like i dont know you, like your just some distant relative ive only heard stories of all my life. I want to leave behind everything and find you, whoever you are. I want to start over, i want to cut every string that ties me where i am, and burn every web im apart of. Yet it seems this world doesnt want me to move around too much. Every inch of our world is used up, and there is nowhere i know to go. This same dull world, the world i see on TV tearing itself apart, like the inside of me. Such a magnificent universe to live in such a cage. So, God, where does that leave me? im nothing compared to you, the thought of my own voice even being a whisper next to yours is a joke. So how does something thats nothing feel joy? The only times i sleep well is when i choose to blind myself from seeing too far. Concentrate on the things in front of me, and maybe i can trick myself into pretending im not still sitting on this pointless rock. Oh i know the "point" according to all the great preachers. I know how you told us to live. I know there is something more once death wanders in. But death is a friend i dont yet have. And all the points still leave me wondering why i still feel so empty.

aha

here it is, that seldom time once in a blue moon i feel like blogging. I think the best part of this blog is that nobody will read it. That way i can say whatever the fuck i want without offending someone. In facebook for instance, i feel like im in Sunday school, and i might as well be because ive got my family, students i work with, parents of those students, and people like that on there. I should just delete em all, its lame. Here, however, no facebook "friends," just writing aimlessly into the great cache of the internet, to be lost forever. Nice. I could bare my soul right here and not have to worry about making myself vulnerable to anyone either, though i dont think ill do that anyway. It may take all night.