Thunder

(wrote this about a month ago, and now theres a thunderstorm outside, so i guess its fitting.)

welcome to the world of my hurricane
im insane, i know that
welcome to the storm that i've made here
im the creator, i see that
and if you cant dance in tornadoes
laugh as the flames grow, id understand
but i am the voice of the thunder
its speaking, i hear it.

to be awake

God doesn't magically impart us with understanding and revelation. He teaches it to us. I could spend my whole life praying for my eyes to see the way He sees, but i would never simply wake up with this great wisdom. It takes pain and it takes love.

A kind of pain and love that rips through your life like a hurricane. A kind that leaves nothing still standing, and nothing the same. And when I am broken, beaten, tired, weak, and humbled, then maybe one morning i could wake up and see a light shining in i hadn't seen before. A light so much brighter and so much more beautiful than could ever have been simply explained to me. i would fall on my knees and thank God for every single scar i have.

because i would know Love, and love.

figure

Easier said than done.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

lights

I've been reminded how much I miss southern California. For reasons unexplainable by words and indescribable by sight.

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when all is done.

i hope you smile and mean it

i hope you never cry

unless its from the beauty

all the world is passing by

and when your face is full of time

i hope you look back on your life

and all that you remember

is love

why do i want to post stupid things that nobody can understand?

too deep to lock the tower
too high to see the ground

blogger oh blogger

it seems im not the only one who doesnt use blogger so much anymore. Every time i log in to check my feed, its virtually empty.

i was almost just tempted to throw out a big ol deep thought post. almost.

yea right.

ice water

I set the fire
is that why i'm living in ice water?
i'd rather freeze than burn
but the oceans empty tonight

i saw the blood
is that why my hands are hidden?
i'd rather die than admit
its all my own

...

This darkest tower
this cannibal
this seldom hour
this hollow hall
I cant hold him back
i cant hide these fangs
i am the fire
i am the rain

This hidden cell
this haunted ship
this broken bell
the poison tip
These paper chains
so easy torn
I am the forked road
i am the war

tumblr

ok so i don't plan on abandoning this blog, but i find myself preferring tumblr to this for most stuff.

Ill probably use this blog when i feel like writing a lot, because big quantities of text dont really suit tumblr.

That being said ill be using my tumblr account a lot more.

thomasandthethunder.tumblr.com

what i need

catch my head i think its falling out
pacing circles around this crowd
i forgot what im looking for
or what i needs not here no more
i tasted sun i felt the blood
but theres another clock in the tower above
now all the faces turn to stones
this place no longer feels like home

If i spoke my mind

If i actually said everything that came to my head, i wonder what would happen. I try to be as real as possible, i absolutely despise the “mask culture” or whatever you wanna call it. I understand censorship, but there is a line that is crossed way too much. This being said, i still dont actually express 90% of what i feel or say 90% of the things that pop into my head. Does this make me just as fake as everyone else? Im not sure.

The bible says not to offend people, even if what youre doing isnt wrong, its better to just not offend others if you can help it. OK i get that, totally agree. However, there has got to be a line somewhere. I work at a church, so my dosage of Christian culture is in good supply, and i swear i feel like im in a cage sometimes. Shoreline is actually pretty progressive in this sense as far as the actual staff goes, but there is still everyone else, and everything surrounding Christian life. I see straight through so many more “Christians” than any other type of person. I know im not supposed to judge, and i feel legitimately bad sometimes for how i find myself being disgusted with some people, but man i cant help it. I feel like im walking on thin ice all the time, trying to impress some vastly misguided Christian culture. I spend so much brain power trying to stay in good graces with fake people, and less staying in good graces with the real ones, or God for that matter. I feel like an actor.

Maybe its a good thing. Maybe God has put all these people in my life to keep a muzzle on me. I dont think i believe that though. My best talks of faith, and memories of bonding with people and loving people, are the ones where i dont have to process what i say through a cultural screen.

Funny thing is this whole post came out of me wanting to post pretty explicit Lil Wayne lyrics on my facebook, but i cant because tons of my friends are from the high school group at Shoreline, and some are even parents of those students. This whole thing isnt nearly as big of i deal as im making it seem, its just annoying sometimes. I just wish people could be real, and stop judging everything based on ridiculous tradition and ignorance.

The Fire Sermon

So every time i read old emo posts i feel retarded. Its not that im too "manly" or whatever to show emotion, but nobody wants to read that crap, and this is a blog, not a journal. I never go into specifics anyway, so they always just end up sounding pathetic.

So let there be cheering and celebration, i will leave my head-storm thoughts in my head, lest i start wearing eye-liner and start shopping at hot topic.

I also got a tumblr account... im not sure what im gonna do with it though, because i already have a blogger account. Im thinking ill post all the "actual writing" on the blogger account, and just post random youtube videos / songs / crap like that on my tumblr, seems thats what its for anyway.

i think the url is thomasandthethunder.tumblr.com

we'll see if i actually utilize both.

bah

"Oh. hi God"

"Hey there Thomas, hows it goin?"

"Are you asking because you really don't know? I think you know..."

"Ha! you got me. I just like to hear you say it LOL."

"Hey i was wondering, could you just kinda zap me full of wisdom real quick? and maybe show me the plan you got for me?"

"LOL"

"whats so funny about that?"

"That would be too easy."

"So you want my life to be hard?"

"you gotta learn this stuff for yourself"

"aagh why? its not like im stayin on this world forever anyway..."

"true, but you trust me dont you?"

"yes."

"Then why are you still whining?"

"damn it."

amazing

amazing video
to an amazing song
from an amazing cd (which just got leaked)




also, listen to "No Love" by eminem feat. lil wayne. equally as amazing, if not more.

Never easy

Is it possible to change so much is so short a time?

Everything is different now... i almost miss being as numb as i was.

I cant decide whether its better to feel nothing, or to feel like theres a sword through my chest.

I have no idea where im gonna land. I just hope its God who shot me off, i cant tell yet...

guess ill just keep falling for now.

Burning

i can feel the low loud rumble
building up inside of me
i can feel the buildings crumble
i cant feel reality
I try to pull it out my chest
but i think its taking everything
with all the pain comes all the rest
and i cant run from anything

the saddest thing i will ever post

Guillermo del Toro is no longer directing the hobbit. this sounds like a trivial thing, but i am legitimately depressed by this. I cant think of another director that would be as good as him for the movies. Absolutely horrible.

http://movies.ign.com/articles/109/1093748p1.html

change

Oh you lit my eyes on fire
now i cant see inside of my own head
I tried to feel around but i got lost
now im laying in a coffin when im laying in my bed
and oh this hurricane
gonna take me down, gonna strip me to my name
and oh the story goes
if i ever wake up i wont wake up the same

dreams 2

so remember how i said i was gonna try and record my dreams? No, i didnt forget about it, ive just woken up every morning realizing my dreams are quite literally unexplainable. If i did attempt it, it would result is some kind of confusing massive paragraph littered with impressively long run on sentences. My settings change without warning every 5 seconds. Ill be swimming in some kind of sewer, hoist myself out of the water onto a ledge into a nice furnished room with all my friends, then look back to find the sewer has turned into some kind of hybrid of del monte mall, a steam factory, and dennis the menace park, with people rope swinging into the water. None of this phasing me. And thats just a 5-10 second snippet of a very very long journey that will ensue.

That was a piece of one of my dreams a few days ago. Im not going to bother elaborating. Point being, Im not gonna try to record my dreams, void my last post.

on a more interesting note:

dreams

I havent been sleepin too wonderful lately, i wake up at least 5 times in the middle of the night. The main reason possibly being the insane amount of insane dreams ive been having. My dreams have always been way out there, mostly unexplainable, but theyve never come with such frequency as they have been the past month-ish. I like remembering my dreams, they throw my head into weird places even after ive woken up, and often set my state for the rest of the day, for better or worse.

This being said, i think im gonna try and record my dreams on this blog. Key word: try. Like i said, most of my dreams are completely unexplainable, like some kind of visual storm. We'll see how it goes.

wow

and




aaahhhhh holy crap.

gahh

ive been wanting to post a new blog, but everything on my mind right now im not gonna write. I will say, however, that sanity is quickly losing ground to every other whirling emotion. I feel like im on a crazy roller coaster and i still cant find a way to get it to either arrive safely at the boarding dock, or just get it to crash already.

on the simpler side, this is a great band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhwufCg7THM&feature=related

sorry, wont let me embed.

the greatest

well i HAD an eminem song up here but the uploader on youtube changed the song to some other crap...

just download Eminem - Not Afraid

amazing

Too Deep

Sometimes i pull up my blog and realize how emo it is. Makes me wanna just delete the whole thing in fear that people will notice the hurricane in my head.

I promise I'm not as unstable as this blog makes me seem, i just think too deep sometimes.

Hydrogen

I kissed the light, but the light was fire
and i burned up in the atmosphere
my ashes made a ring around the sun
until the sun reached out and burned me up again

where are you?

i lost my mind in between the stars
these thousand years could take a man apart
until some gravity can pull me in
i'll wrap myself in hydrogen

this spell on me

wake up dusty bones
taste the chance youre not alone
feel the pressure in your chest
pray your throats not full of stones
standing dangerously on scales
that leave you burning if you fail
and keep you floating if you dont
but will the wind come with the sail?

Sun Kil Moon

nothing like the saddest song in the world to cheer you up.

so good.

monopoly

were in the middle of playing monopoly and i am going to record things.

jon: collect $200 or 2 houses

ben: ross you idiot look what youve done

ross: uh uh uh

ross: do you have a dollar?

shannon: gratsi

ross: 12345678 dammit.

ross: thomas

thomas: ok hold on, ok im going. 7. il;l take it

shannon: $300 please

evan: what are you doing, hes recording everything were saying

moving on

evan: technically speaking blah blah blah

jon: gimme $500

ben: pull the cupcake out of your ass and pay it

jon: evans our of the game

shannon: no keep playing

evan: theres no rules in this game anymore

ben: ooh ooh i just wanna see if theres anything left in there weeei weiii

shannon: ok go

ben: 123456 i own it

ross: ooh trips trips

ben: dont buy it, you cant afford it shannon dont be irresponsible

ross: what are you a shoe?

evan: im out

shannon: oh evans leaving?

evan: yup adios

ross: son of a bitch. ben give me the licorice

thomas: ben what did you just say?

ben: are you gonna publish this or something?

jon: what if i tell my henchmen to buy houses from prison?

jon: fuckin suburbs

i give up this is too hard while im playing. goodbye.

re-creative

goodbye roofing
goodbye mindless labor
goodbye too tired to think

hello imagination
hello creativity
hello video
old friend....

sutures

will i break my back
lifting my own weight
will my body disappear
if my soul would fade away
will the fire of my youth
be buried by the future
if i cannot be saved
will they bury me in sutures?

TRON trailer

sorry i havent been posting much, all 2 ppl that probably read this.... ill start up again soon...

in the meantime, check out my new most anticipated movie!

wont let me embed it, so heres the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxdtVWvfFSU

Busy + Naruto

been busy busy busy, not too much time for deep thoughts. However one thing there is always time for is NARUTO! the last page of the latest chapter had me literally dancing around in front of my computer. All these years have come down to this moment.

one of the coolest pages ever.

Stop and Think

Its hard to blog when im in work mode. I work for a roofing company, which means around 50 hours of super hard physical labor a week. Even when im off for the day, im so sore tired and shot i might as well be sleeping. This week is one of those weeks, and im forcing this blog out of me, trust me. Point being, i find myself not thinking nearly as much when im super busy.

Im reading the book "Xenocide," part of the Ender series, and it mentions how humans can never be as wise as Fathertrees (a sort of alien tree thing) because the Fathertrees just sit and think all day and watch the world around them, while humans are too busy to just stop and juggle ideas around in their head long enough to be sure of anything. The bible also says "Be still and know that i am God," meaning stop and just think every now and then.

So the simple conclusion i have come to, is super busy people will always be dumber than those who take things slow, not rush through life, and leave time to think. Todays culture holds the busy money tycoons much higher than the simple life thinking men, but as only thinking men will ever know, the truth is quite the opposite.

I will never be like my boss, i will never work so hard it becomes my life, i will never de-value the time i can just sit alone and think. I will always value wisdom over money, and i will die much more satisfied with this life.

Little things

Whenever i post something serious on here it never tends to be too happy. This isnt because im a super sad person, if you know me, you know that. It just feels good to write about stuff that bothers me, to empty my head out now and then. This blog happens to be where i usually do that, as im not really the type of guy to pour my heart out in person. That would just make me annoying. Point being, this time whats in my head isnt the flaws of life, but the opposite. I was just thinking of how great the "little things" are.

I know thats no revelation to anyone, but its so true. I dont know what i would do without my little obsessions. I call them obsessions because thats pretty much what they are to me. I am an obsessive person, not in the sense that im overbearing (i hope) and crazy, but when i get into something, i REALLY get into it. Whether it be a song or band i find, an anime, a movie, a game, or anything like that... there are some that you cant get me to shut up about. If you get me around a fellow manga/anime person, i could just babble on forever about it, because i LOVE it. It sounds so trivial, but its really not. Its all i have, the things that make me tick. The things that define me, that transform me.

I may hear a lyric in a song or poem, and change my very character to fit some amazing idea it had. I may just one day see Kanye West and think "i like how he dresses," then go out and spend $250 on crazy clothes nobody else would wear. I may play Eternal Sonata, and decide im going to start listening to classical music. I may watch episode 14 of Samurai Champloo, and then watch it 10 more times in the same sitting.

For some reason these are the things that make me excited about life. These are the things i cant wait for.

I guess when i say "little things" it can mean a couple things. Most people think of experiences they have with people or something. I wasnt really talking about that, though those are great too. Im talking about the stuff we talk with our friends about. The subject matter of our conversations. The things that link us together.

For such a dark place as this, there sure are a bunch of cool things here.

woot!

ive been waiting for this movie for a year and a half!

Avatar:The Last Airbender

of course the movie "avatar" stole the name of the anime, so its just "the last airbender"

aaagh i cant wait.

there is hope for hip hop

now if only kid cudi and lupe were in there too...

State of Mind

I was pondering my state of life while driving to in-and-out burger today. Not as much in a super deep way, more of a literal way. I'm 22 and just kind of floating along. I have plans yea, hopefully SJSU in the fall, see what happens from there, but thats about as far as they go. Old people tell me I need to work harder, be "aggressive." Its nothing new, but I seriously dont mesh well with the "wisdom" of today. I lack any shred of motivation in the world our forefathers have created.

I am 100% confident that if i shifted into "succeed" mode i could be extremely successful financially in this life. I have no doubt im smart enough and capable enough to play the system. The problem is, i have little desire to waste my life on those things. Some would call me lazy, or irresponsible, but who came up with these requirements of life? When did life turn into something so petty? Politics, government, the education system, pretty much every "system" society has put in store, makes me ill. Its lifeless, boring, pointless, stupid. Love is a distorted concept now. People obsess over progress, but has technology replaced community? Thats how it feels to me. People try to pull me in with them, and its near impossible not to conform to some degree unless you wanna starve to death. It sucks. Im not trying to start a pity party, but seriously... step back and look at what this world has become. It doesnt take a hippie or extremist to see the gaping holes culture has bore.

So what can I do about it? How can i change the world? How can i live apart from this insanity? No answer.
I think weve dug ourselves too deep in this hole to get out at this point. I hate the fact that when i think about my future it consists of some kind of equation i have to solve in order to make x amount of money. Thats what America has become. Money. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps people, its survival of the mindless.

My dreams have no place here.

Brand New

"Brand New" is a band. They've been my favorite band for a few years now. Rise Against will often compete for the top spot, but its pretty undisputed that Brand New is in fact the greatest musical entity of all time. Every time i go back and listen to their CD "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me" I am reminded of this.

The lyrics are above and beyond anything, even the great "Cosmic Love" i just wrote about. They are on such another level in their lyrics its ridiculous. Analyzing their lyrics are like studying some super complex holy book.

Brand New is the greatest band.
The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me is the greatest CD.
Degausser is the greatest song.
ever.

This is no new revelation. Just something i had to mention.

Mass Effect 2

The new Mass Effect game is out. There is hope for video games.

Cosmic Love

My sister showed me this song, and its blown my mind, as things are increasingly seeming to lately. First listen, it just sounds like a love song. However, the more i listen to it, and the more i looked up florence and the machine (the name of the band) i am convinced this song is about a ton more (the title is pretty convincing as well). The words to this song describes the love i have for God so incredibly perfectly it put me speechless for a bit. Ive always struggled with the concept of loving God when he was so hard to see, both literally and figuratively.

Before i start assessing why, ill paste the lyrics:


A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

___

Ok, so where to start... Just thinking how to put this into words is proving difficult...

It says:

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

Its like getting just a small glimpse of God, one shooting star out of the infinite amount out there, but it blinds you. Its painful, not knowing what hits you, not knowing what you want to know about God, not being able to put God in a box. Yet i love it at the same time, this lack of perception. If i could look into the face of God and NOT go blind (and keep in mind this only talks about a fragment of his heart) would God be worth calling "God?" Im not talking about living in ignorance, the fact that we know were blind means were still trying to find him, trying to understand. And there is so much we CAN understand, and feel, experience, know... just comparatively to God, not so much.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

It feels like im trudging through this world in darkness. Like God is not here in this wasteland, im just walking in his shadow. Everything i thought i saw, i realize now that i dont see at all. "The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out..." It feels like God has left me in the dark, no dawn, no day, no hope. Always in this twilight, merely in the shadow of his heart. But I dont just give up because im blind, because i cant wrap my head around "God's love" all the time in this world. It only makes me crave it more once ive felt a small part of it.... which leads the song on...

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

I search, and try to find God, and i often feel him, or hear him. I try to follow that sound, find where hes hiding. Yet every time, hes never there. Theres always more questions, more sorrow, more pain around every corner i look. and i KNOW its him i feel, i KNOW he is there because every little glimpse fills me with what i can only describe as a peace beyond this natural world, like im floating, being embraced. Yet i get so discouraged when i let that slip away, when my life keeps pushing me along into the next set of movement and problems, and i become the darkness i wallow in... I become numb.

The next part really hits the nail on the head, but first i have to explain something...

As i mentioned before, God has been taking me on a sort of weird awakening period. Its strange because i felt like i was slacking off lately, then all the sudden im on this wild ride. Weirdly, it all started after i wrote the "wrong part of me" blog... I guess God was just waiting for me to actually ASK what i wanted to ask. So this being said, one of the biggest revelations ive had lately is my perception of God. Ive learned to... i dunno how to describe it really, but 'feel' him constantly. Before, when i would pray, i would have the image of a person in my head, and talk as if i was on some cosmic phone, even though theologically i knew it wasnt like that. But now when i think of God i think of everything around me, the air, the sound of the trees. God said "I Am," and im finally beginning to see what he was trying to say. Like i said, i cant really put this into words, the scope of this. Its huge, its like i feel him everywhere now, in my arms, my feet, my insides feel like theyve got water running through them. Things i couldnt grasp before im beginning to see. I still cant grasp everything, even more so now, its like sensory overload, my head feels like its about to pop when i dig deeper and deeper. All the sudden i see everything in the bible, my life, my ideas of God in a totally new light. Its amazing, and its even more amazing knowing i still havent even put my hand on the surface.

So... saying all that, the song. These last words just go right along with the train Gods had me on.

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

She takes the stars and makes a map, like taking what she does know, and making sense out of that. I know God is real, there is no doubt in my mind, i havent always known, but ive known for a while. My reasons can hardly be explained on a blog, otherwise i would just print it out save the world through my words. But words dont explain it. You have to experience him, and that is a road that is different for everyone. Point being, even in the dark world, with my blind eyes, i KNEW he was somewhere. Ive made many maps, trying to catch God and comprehend him. Trying to explain him in a neat little dialog, put him in that box. But the last 2 lines explain my new perception. I was looking for God, but God was already here. All around me. the words "you were in the darkness too" gives me chills. My favorite line in the whole song. This shitty world, this wasteland. I looked up to the stars pleading with God to show me something more... But i was so busy looking up i didnt realize he was right beside me. He was wading through the shit and the pain with me. Feeling every stab of the world with me, gasping for air in a suffocating world with me. He has been with me this whole time. He has never gotten tired of following me even in the worst places, he has never stopped loving me even when i didnt even notice he was standing in front of me begging me to turn around from what hurts me. And he is not "there" while i am "here." He IS. As the wind and the air envelops me he is embracing me through it. He IS existence. We are all creations of his consciousness, beings of his heart. He loves us more than our minds can handle. I grasp at straws, and crawl through pain to make it through this world, its hard, and im blind. The stars and the moon are blotted out, no dawn, no day. I am stuck here in this twilight. But God, I'll stay in the darkness with you.

spike jonze

peace

I heard someone mention that when they get stressed, they sit somewhere quiet and just block everything out. It gives them "peace."

I love escaping into other places in my head, if you know me even a little bit, you probably know this about me. But my peace isnt found in a quiet place with nothing in my head, mine is quite different.

i thought of the most peaceful scenario i could think up, somewhere peace would find me simply by being there. I envision myself in the middle of some kind of main street, with buildings on either side and street lamps all the way down reflecting off the wet ground. Its night, and theres a violent storm. The wind is throwing branches, leaves, anything it can grasp and tossing it around. The rain is hard and riding on the wind as well. There are no cars, no people. Only the sound of the whirling wind and the beating rain, and im standing right in the middle.

For me, peace is not the absence of surrounding, just the absence of people. Peace is a great storm, a powerful force that lets me know there is a bit of magic in this world, that lets me know how small i am. I am a fragile toy on an angry planet. That, at least, excites me.

Why? Why do i find peace in the earth tearing apart around me? Why do i long for a violent life? I wanna take everything i see and burn it down. I have my great differences with this world, but its not even that. Theres some kind of beauty in the storm, in its destruction. The way it moves, the way things separate. Theres more to it than i can put in words, something deep in its strength. One thing, at least, that we cannot control.

beautiful

Starting fresh

This is my blog. Ive had a few in my day, but this is the one. I used to have one in high school called "somewhere near nowhere" that i posted a ton on, since then Ive gone back and forth never quite seriously blogging since. I started blogging a bit on my blog attached to my gmail, "The Realness," but i wasnt sure if i actually wanted to announce it existed. We'll see what happens. Ive had it imported onto this new blog, and the blog i will be using: "What the Thunder Said."

whatthethunder.blogspot.com


sweet.

jackets

jackets are a wonderful thing. the worst part about the summer is not being able to wear good jackets. bring on the rain. Thats all i gotta say about that.

ive gotta start recording again.

In these hollow vessels we set sail
in dim lit pastures blazing trails
with empty eyes and heavy feet
all forms of shadows run to meet
our empty hands soon full of clay
our broken mast will soon decay
these seas that swallow everything
will dig our graves with songs we sing
so close the doors that guard our eyes
and let us blindly float on by
until the day that we will sink
and we'll regret
or so we think

The wrong part of me.

How i wish the gap between physical reality and whatever form of spiritual reality exists was closed up. How can i act excited about life when it is so limited, so bland of any pillars of fire and chariots from heaven. The world is so full of stories of humanity breaching the walls of its simple reality, even the bible speaks of things quite unfathomable to my mind. Where are the angels and demons? where are the nations under God? If any kind of power exists in this world i fear it is far to human to awe. The age old dreamer's dilemma i suppose. It burns me alive to have an imagination so capable of dreaming up such better worlds than this, yet having to return here every time. I believe in you God, i believe you have a plan that would blow my mind, but its been 2000 years since you left us to see you with our hearts and not our eyes. I cannot imagine a time in my life i didnt believe in you and Im starting to see the disadvantage that puts me in. A life of waiting. I dont doubt your existence but i wonder if my heart is starting to doubt my perception of you. Not that i can perceive you to begin with, but it feels like im way off. So far off that itll explain the hole in my chest for all these years. The hole that was supposed to be filled by your joy and love. It would explain why my whole life ive never ran to you, just a slow awkward walk. Who are you? You who made me, you who controls the stars and everything under them, you who wrote my purpose and is supposed to guide my life.... I feel like i dont know you, like your just some distant relative ive only heard stories of all my life. I want to leave behind everything and find you, whoever you are. I want to start over, i want to cut every string that ties me where i am, and burn every web im apart of. Yet it seems this world doesnt want me to move around too much. Every inch of our world is used up, and there is nowhere i know to go. This same dull world, the world i see on TV tearing itself apart, like the inside of me. Such a magnificent universe to live in such a cage. So, God, where does that leave me? im nothing compared to you, the thought of my own voice even being a whisper next to yours is a joke. So how does something thats nothing feel joy? The only times i sleep well is when i choose to blind myself from seeing too far. Concentrate on the things in front of me, and maybe i can trick myself into pretending im not still sitting on this pointless rock. Oh i know the "point" according to all the great preachers. I know how you told us to live. I know there is something more once death wanders in. But death is a friend i dont yet have. And all the points still leave me wondering why i still feel so empty.

aha

here it is, that seldom time once in a blue moon i feel like blogging. I think the best part of this blog is that nobody will read it. That way i can say whatever the fuck i want without offending someone. In facebook for instance, i feel like im in Sunday school, and i might as well be because ive got my family, students i work with, parents of those students, and people like that on there. I should just delete em all, its lame. Here, however, no facebook "friends," just writing aimlessly into the great cache of the internet, to be lost forever. Nice. I could bare my soul right here and not have to worry about making myself vulnerable to anyone either, though i dont think ill do that anyway. It may take all night.